I was thinking of taking the kids down to Baltimore, catch an Orioles game, swing them by the big aquarium as compensation. They’re kind of expensive, though, close to $100 for a family of four, and I haven’t yet gotten over the last time I was there. As we were standing in line waiting to buy tickets, a voice would periodically intone, “We’re sorry, but the shark tank is unavailable today.”

Well, okay. No sharks. Still, there are a lot of other things to see in an aquarium.

“Good morning. We’re sorry to announce that the flounders have been taken ill.”

No sharks, no flounders. Who cares? I don’t even like flounders.

“Notice to all patrons: the puffins are out being dry-cleaned.”

Wait, we’re paying how much to visit an empty building?

“Alert: the tetras have gone on strike.”

Hang on: no sharks, no flounders, no puffins, no tetras, I believe I heard someone else in line saying that the octopus has escaped using the sea turtle as a hostage. Can we rethink this?

In the end I suppose I had a good time, but it felt more like visiting a pet store. No exotic animals, but look — goldfish! My wife and I kept repeating lines to each other from the Python cheese shop bit–”Any tuna?” “Not much call for it around here.” “Clown fish?” “Yes, I — Oooh. The cat’s got it.”

Thus: I don’t think I’m going to Baltimore.

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